Laugh a little
We all receive jokes by email, but I've found a very large collection of Jewish jokes at a website called aWordInYourEye.com. That website's creator, David Minkoff, has given permission for jokes on his website to be reproduced here.
Unless otherwise stated, all content shown here is:
From www.awordinyoureye.com. Copyright © 2001-2017 David Minkoff
Pay or Else
Out of the blue, Morris's boss tells him to go to Eastbourne to complete a business deal. As he has yahrtzeit the coming shabbes, Morris goes to the local shul in Eastbourne, explains his situation to the shammes, and then asks, "So is it possible for me to have the maftir aliyah this shabbes in your shul?"
The shammes looks in his diary and replies, "I'm very sorry, but the maftir aliyah has already been promised to one of our shul members."
"I fully understand the situation," says Morris, "but if I were to donate £20,000 to your shul fund, perhaps you could persuade your congregant to have another aliyah at another time?"
"I can't make such decisions," says the shammes," but wait here while I talk to the shul president and see what he has to say about it."
As soon as the shul president is advised, he tells the shammes, "Yes, please give the businessman the honour."
The shammes returns to Morris and says, "You'll be pleased to hear that we can give you maftir aliyah this shabbes. But as it's on shabbes, how will your donation be paid?"
"After shabbes is over, just come to the Grand Hotel," replies Morris. "That's where I'm staying. I'll then hand over a signed and certified cheque."
Early the following Sunday morning, the shammes drives to the Grand Hotel only to discover that Morris has just checked out. Reception tells the shammes that Morris had learned of an urgent matter and had left for Eastbourne Station only a few minutes earlier.
So the shammes gets back in his car and drives to the station where he catches Morris just about to board the train for London. But when the shammes asks Morris for the cheque, he's told it was impossible to arrange it at such short notice. "I'll post it to you as soon as I return, I promise," says Morris.
On hearing this, the shammes holds open the train's door to stop the train from leaving and says, "I knew I shouldn't have trusted you."
A Railway policeman is called to help out because a train is being delayed by a passenger. The policeman asks the shammes what was going on. The shammes explains, "this stranger comes to our shul and asks to have the maftir. We gave it to him and he promised to make a donation of £20,000 by cheque, but he has not given us the cheque."
The policeman turns to Morris and says, "Please give this man the £20,000 cheque you owe him, or else give him back the maftir.
yarhzeit: Anniversary of a death
shabbes: Sabbath
shul: synagogue
shammes:a synagogue's beadle/sexton
Maftir aliyah: During the Shabbat Torah service, 7 men are called by the Torah service coordinator to "come up" to the Torah for an aliyah (honour). There is one aliyah for each portion of the Torah that is chanted. An additional aliyah, designated the Maftir aliyah, is given to the person who will read the Haftorah. The Haftorah is a chapter of Prophets that is designed to express poetically and prophetically the messages included in the Torah reading for the day.
The shammes looks in his diary and replies, "I'm very sorry, but the maftir aliyah has already been promised to one of our shul members."
"I fully understand the situation," says Morris, "but if I were to donate £20,000 to your shul fund, perhaps you could persuade your congregant to have another aliyah at another time?"
"I can't make such decisions," says the shammes," but wait here while I talk to the shul president and see what he has to say about it."
As soon as the shul president is advised, he tells the shammes, "Yes, please give the businessman the honour."
The shammes returns to Morris and says, "You'll be pleased to hear that we can give you maftir aliyah this shabbes. But as it's on shabbes, how will your donation be paid?"
"After shabbes is over, just come to the Grand Hotel," replies Morris. "That's where I'm staying. I'll then hand over a signed and certified cheque."
Early the following Sunday morning, the shammes drives to the Grand Hotel only to discover that Morris has just checked out. Reception tells the shammes that Morris had learned of an urgent matter and had left for Eastbourne Station only a few minutes earlier.
So the shammes gets back in his car and drives to the station where he catches Morris just about to board the train for London. But when the shammes asks Morris for the cheque, he's told it was impossible to arrange it at such short notice. "I'll post it to you as soon as I return, I promise," says Morris.
On hearing this, the shammes holds open the train's door to stop the train from leaving and says, "I knew I shouldn't have trusted you."
A Railway policeman is called to help out because a train is being delayed by a passenger. The policeman asks the shammes what was going on. The shammes explains, "this stranger comes to our shul and asks to have the maftir. We gave it to him and he promised to make a donation of £20,000 by cheque, but he has not given us the cheque."
The policeman turns to Morris and says, "Please give this man the £20,000 cheque you owe him, or else give him back the maftir.
yarhzeit: Anniversary of a death
shabbes: Sabbath
shul: synagogue
shammes:a synagogue's beadle/sexton
Maftir aliyah: During the Shabbat Torah service, 7 men are called by the Torah service coordinator to "come up" to the Torah for an aliyah (honour). There is one aliyah for each portion of the Torah that is chanted. An additional aliyah, designated the Maftir aliyah, is given to the person who will read the Haftorah. The Haftorah is a chapter of Prophets that is designed to express poetically and prophetically the messages included in the Torah reading for the day.
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